In light of the recent and abrupt passing of my aunt, who had been a second mother and an amazing best friend, I was abruptly and roughly faced with what mortality is to me and the quality of our existence.
We generally do not really know WHEN exactly our earthly physical lives will end, or even the HOW of it. It was a very sudden news that my dear aunt was found with a rare type of cancer that had a high probability of survival of up to even 20 years. However, it very soon turned out to be that her recovery would take a miracle.
Before she passed, I had done a reading with her, and I really did not like what I felt and what I saw, but despite that, who is to say that miracles do not happen? It was starkly clear to me how this dis-ease had started, and my intuition showed me the general process as to how this cancer started to develop. I had felt that it was a culmination of her life experiences that had manifested in her physical body, and that her life energy could barely sustain her physical body anymore.
I had a sense of where she was heading in a few weeks, but still had a sliver of hope of a miracle. Even though somehow I knew, I also knew I had been in denial. One night, I had a symbolic dream of my trusted cup with a smiley face on it. I was holding this cup when it slowly and gently cracked in half, all by itself. Right away, my phone rang and woke me up, and it was my mother who called. She gave me the news that my aunt had just passed away just seconds before she called me. As it turned out, the dream symbolizes a relative's passing.
I was heartbroken. My chest was being squeezed tighter and tighter. Many memories of her came rushing in. I watched my emotions as I went through them all....through the bittersweet memories, the sadness, the guilt and blame, and the pain.
The bittersweet memories were those moments we often take for granted such as my aunt pulling out all my baby teeth except for one. Her sweet wake up sound that repeatedly woke me up every morning for school while she got ready for work wrapped in her towel and a towellete on her head, putting face powder and getting dressed. The whole time saying, "Pangga, Pangga....wake up, wake up. You don't want to be late." Pangga is short for the endearment of being called "love". She would counsel me on how to approach someone I was intimidated to ask permission from. Love, Care, Loyalty, Support, Simplicity and Hard Work. That was her, alright.
Blame and guilt also showed up during this process. The thought of "Maybe if I did this, or did that, then maybe this would've happened", "If only I said this or said that, then maybe it could be different", "Maybe I could've been a bit more of this and less of that, then things could've been different." They are the What if, the Maybes, and the If onlys. A thought came, "Is this how my aunt wants to be remembered?" and a clear sound came through, "Most definitely Not." This was something I had chosen not to invest my energy on because I realized it to be useless. If it serves to harm, let it go and do not give it power. The focus of your energy is what creates the power. Focus on what benefits, what strengthens, what heals.
I watched myself cry with sadness and so much pain, even though I knew she only passed in this physical plane. I even asked myself why do I feel this way despite knowing? I realized I had been holding on to the attachment of her in this plane and that this was my way of releasing. Although I didn't like the feeling of such pain, I knew it was something I needed to go through. It was a way of also cleansing for me. So instead of going to the pub to have a drink, or watching a show or TV series which both most definitely came to mind, I let it all just wash all over me... the sadness and pain. Knowing that a drink or a movie or a show would only serve as a temporary distraction, or just means to mask the pain, and are ultimately not what I needed... I intentionally welcomed pain with open arms. Waves of pain, deeper and stronger than the one before kept coming... I just kept welcoming, my arms opening wider.,,accepting and embracing me and my pain. I never knew my chest could get any tighter and yet it did until.....there was just a numbness left. Feeling all spent and drained, my mind slowly cleared with zero thoughts and my chest lightened. I was able to breathe deeply and accept what is. I had no energy to fight it or deny it anymore.
My aunt had touched so many lives, and I do not think she realized just how much. In her passing was when her light to the world shone clearly, acknowledged, and honored.
In this life, there are people who touch our lives immensely. Whether we are aware of it or not, we impact other people's lives as well. The HOW is what makes a difference. How you live your life is the quality of your existence. We do not need to focus on how to impact others, but more so, on how can we be honest with ourselves. How can we live our life honestly and with integrity? I am talking about the connection between the type of life you are choosing to live right now and your natural spirit - your life force - your life energy. This, of course, includes our mind, body and spirit. Emotions are also included, as emotions are created by the mind, generated by the body and managed by the spirit.
Can you face your emotions and be brutally honest and be accepting of it? Will you allow yourself to work through it with a goal of growth and acceptance no matter what? What about the things you like and do not like about yourself?
Ask yourself sincerely, "What kind of relationship do I have with myself?" "Is this how I want to live my life?" "How would I want to see myself at the end of this life?"
Not -"I wish I could live like that person." Not- "If only I can be just like her/him." NOT Maybes, What ifs, and If onlys. If you are not living the kind of life you want to live right now, then aknowledge that, and work towards creating the life you want. And the Now is always the best time to start.
Choose the kind of life you want to live! Focus your energy in creating and growing your own light! This is the light that even death cannot extinguish. It forever burns brightly in the hearts and lives it has lighted and touched.
How is your light?
- In memory of Mama Nenen, the light that shines brightly in the hearts and lives she has touched.
Happy Lighting, Everyone!